many believe i'm confusing hard to read about as emotional as a brick but if they really knew me they would realize i'm more like a cloud opaque from far away but transparent up close soft & fragile easily b l o w n a w a y effortlessly i p r e d s e s d
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i'm better off
alone that way no one can misinterpret my words twist my personality judge my beliefs or take offense at who i am solitude creating self-appreciation rather than societal-depreciation when i feel less
or when i feel more i feel both spontaneously simultaneously a perpetual paradox of personality a consistent game of tug-of-war between superiority and worthlessness both noxious yet easily bought into everlasting cycles of highs and lows that ceaselessly spin merciless and uncaring about my wellbeing solely poised to tear me in different directions drawn and quartered ripped apart and unable to be pieced back together an inevitable death my grandfather always told me "i love that smile don't ever let the world change you don't let them take it from you" i can see him now in my mind frostbit hair large bifocals blue eyes surrounded by a multitude of laugh lines i can hear his voice in my head gentle soft sweet replaying in hopes that it won't fade with other memories i can still smell his brut aftershave i can still feel his wrinkled hands and arthritic fingers patting mine and his gaunt form under my cheek as i hugged him closely i wish now i could hug him one-thousand times more wish i could sit and listen to his endless stories wish i could hear him say that sentiment to me one more time wish i could listen to "i'll fly away" without breaking down but i can't what i can do is be reminded of how much he loved me unconditionally how deeply he cherished me it's hard to fathom the idea of anyone loving me like this ever again but i'm thankful he did because he helped me mature into the person i am today and i'm proud when i see glimpses of him in my reflection glimpses of a paragon gray sand drive faded yellow siding overgrown rose bushes wooden gate that doesn't shut properly the sound of my sister writing songs down the hallway my father outside on the tractor my mother upstairs in her prayer closet i long for these days sleeping in my father's old t-shirts playing kickball with Angel in the backyard my mother's homemade waffles fresh in the morning the simpler days when we were all together days i wished to be over but now desire to replay days of home they say
i have a "true friend" in you because you stuck your neck out spoke up in order to "help me" despite knowing i'd be enraged with you but i say you don't get to play the role of humble martyr because all you did was hurt me and if you were really my "true friend" you would have come to me first but you didn't so now you've lost the right to associate yourself with me in any fashion goodbye i've forgotten about you already nothing is better
than the smell of fresh rainfall on a cool day as i sit outside my favorite coffee shop cortado in hand heart full simple bliss i say i'm fire
but maybe i'm more like ice cold with sharp edges solid and immoveable transparent yet opaque beautiful, but if held onto for long-- painful too cold to sustain life i'm fire
but i'm also darkness burning bright for a time but slowly fading into smoke and ash and tenebrosity providing no light no warmth just cold and black and nothingness have you noticed
when you say you're single the common response is along the lines of: "don't worry, the right one will come" as if i spend all of my time fretting because i'm not bonded to a man if i wanted a man i'd have one if i needed a man i'd get one but i don't want or need one i have more important things to worry about than my relationship status i have work to do and can't afford to dwell on such trivial matters so don't pity me because i'm single by choice and it will stay that way until i decide otherwise i'm a beacon
fiery vivid intense and you're a moth fragile curious ignorant drawn to me lured in by my rich colors and uncontrollable spirit closer and closer you come enticed by the flame i warn you of the danger didn't your parents tell you not to play with fire? but you don't listen intrigued by the orange red and yellow hues so nearer you advance the flames licking at your wings until you're consumed burned to a husk of the man you once were i warned you and yet you blame me i told you this would happen because fire while beautiful is still wild unpredictable and not meant to be played with but you didn't listen and that's no fault of mine perpetual heartache
perennial pain deathless woe combine all three and it forms into me |
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February 2022
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