i had an episode last night
and i didn't know how to stop it everything came rushing out spilling onto the asphalt of the parking lot it's only been a month since the last one but it feels like a lifetime the only difference was that the last ended in blood and searing stitches this one ended in tears and a dull emotional ache i realized, last night, that i've never actually learned to cope with this leech called depression they told me to deep breathe to stop crying to focus on the positive they reminded me that depression is a liar the thing is, i know all the truths all the techniques all the tools i try to use them be proactive but all the mechanisms in the world can't fix something that's undyingly wrecked
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i say i'm fire
but maybe i'm more like ice cold with sharp edges solid and immoveable transparent yet opaque beautiful, but if held onto for long-- painful too cold to sustain life i'm fire
but i'm also darkness burning bright for a time but slowly fading into smoke and ash and tenebrosity providing no light no warmth just cold and black and nothingness have you noticed
when you say you're single the common response is along the lines of: "don't worry, the right one will come" as if i spend all of my time fretting because i'm not bonded to a man if i wanted a man i'd have one if i needed a man i'd get one but i don't want or need one i have more important things to worry about than my relationship status i have work to do and can't afford to dwell on such trivial matters so don't pity me because i'm single by choice and it will stay that way until i decide otherwise kind soul
caring personality made to listen selfless in action profound in thought you have it all depth to match the beauty brown curls
lean fit fair skin soft pink lips crystal blue eyes a true work of art a man
well-liked by everyone coveted by most girls "you're _________'s girlfriend, right?" they would ask with a smile and i would easily agree proud of who i'm with girls would count me lucky they'd vie for what i have but they'd fail because you'd be mine however, i don't think we'd last i don't think i fully comprehend the implications of getting involved with you which is why i don't think i want you; i just like the idea of you the dreamcatcher flutters
in the wind created by my fan "why don't you catch them" i ask "the nightmares?" it doesn't give a response taunting me ominous silence and foreboding filling my room because it's just an object it can't contain the demons crafted for my mind nothing can mirror
mirror on the wall who's the most insecure of all? is it the woman comparing herself to the ridiculous standards created by society? is it the man concealing anything that may label him as "effeminate"? is it the mother wondering if she's as good of a mom as the instagram standard? is it the father clinging to the hope that he can step up even though his own parent didn't? is it the child constantly questioning whether what she/he does is good enough for her/his parents? so i ask again mirror mirror on the wall who's the most insecure of all? "every single one of you" it answers "because you've allowed society and others to define you instead of merely existing as yourselves." you can't call yourself
tasteless when looking at someone else's flavor they're a different seasoning of their own making and until you stop trying to mimick their piquancy you're going to have the same taste as everyone else unoriginal and bland stop.
stop defining yourself by who your friends are or who you're in a relationship with or who you've had you are too valuable to let yourself be swallowed up by the reputations of others you are your own person rich in character personality and intrigue *TRIGGER WARNING* "why do you cut (yourself)?"
they always asked "i don't know" i always answered with a noncommittal shoulder shrug & a faraway gaze what i never said was i knew exactly why-- it was better to feel pain than nothing at all it was better to bleed than to live sensationless it was better to see the lines and know i was alive than exist as half a shadow of who i once was so i knew, but kept it a secret because i also understood that no one would comprehend it no one would relate so, i just stayed quiet and that was worse than any physical harm i caused myself *TRIGGER WARNING* you say
"welcome to the real world" as if i don't already live here as if my life has been composed of only roses and long walks on the beach but you don't know me-- what i've been through were you there the nights i sliced open my wrists? were you there when i almost took a whole bottle of sleeping pills? were you there when i would cry myself to sleep? wishing i could just be dead nothing but a blip in time that no one would remember you weren't so don't presume to know me don't condescendingly welcome me to this place as if i'm a naive child because i grew up in the real world survived in the real world thrived in the real world and i feel bad for you that you are unable to make the best of your situation see, i turned my reality around made my existence something to live for so don't say, "welcome to the real world" as if i'm new here i'm the queen of this place and you-- you're just getting started twist
turn weave and wind the truth is f l e x i b l e a suggestion for my own wielding my own manipulating a thought i can change for my own benefit naive
foolish innocent boy i'll lie to you and you'll believe me because you've created another girl in your mind a girl who loves you a girl who cares about you but that's not who i am i only love myself i'm only concerned with self-interests but because of your pretty, mental portrait of me you'll fall and i'll let you knowing there won't be anything to catch you i'm a beacon
fiery vivid intense and you're a moth fragile curious ignorant drawn to me lured in by my rich colors and uncontrollable spirit closer and closer you come enticed by the flame i warn you of the danger didn't your parents tell you not to play with fire? but you don't listen intrigued by the orange red and yellow hues so nearer you advance the flames licking at your wings until you're consumed burned to a husk of the man you once were i warned you and yet you blame me i told you this would happen because fire while beautiful is still wild unpredictable and not meant to be played with but you didn't listen and that's no fault of mine *TRIGGER WARNING* thin red lines
toxic but relieving a fatal escape |
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February 2022
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