i was an actress
for ten years people are always surprised when i say this but if only they know I act everyday of my life my mundane conversations and daily ventures a performance scripted and memorized in my mind words nuance movements all pre-planned so they won't know so they can't see how i really feel so they can't take advantage of my vulnerabilities so they can't hurt me like i've been in the past a role meant to be played by yours truly without an intermission without a curtain call so far removed from reality that i eventually become my auditioned character a sempiternal staging
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maybe
it would be better if i just stopped breathing because then at least i can't be an inconvenience to you anymore i can feel it
coming descending like a wet blanket stifling all fire all warmth nothing but sopping fabric drenching my hair my clothes inciting shivers burying my eyes and burning behind the lids covering nose and mouth until no air can circulate until it's easier to stop fighting until it's easier to simply die i used to be this girl
waiting for a boy to come rescue her expecting the discovery of a soulmate to fix me dreaming of a fairy-tale a prince and a magical life but the fantasy is over instead of being that girl i killed her leaving behind the corpse of my childhood wishfulness and becoming something new i'm not the damsel in the ivory tower pleading for a savior i'm the knight alongside you capable of liberating myself the damsel is dead let's fight for something else they commit "chivalrous" acts
open doors for you let you walk first pay for your coffee don't discuss taboo subjects in your presence and "defend your honor" working hard to be labeled a gentleman but simultaneously, they degrade talk over you as if you're non-existent assume you're inferior to a male counterpart inappropriately "compliment" you give you unwarranted advice and put you in a child-bearing box "let men be gentlemen. let them do what they're supposed to" they tell me but i won't stroke your ego i won't allow you to buy into the antiquated patriarchal chivalrous complex because being a gentleman is about respect and you have none for women |
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February 2022
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