i was an actress
for ten years people are always surprised when i say this but if only they know I act everyday of my life my mundane conversations and daily ventures a performance scripted and memorized in my mind words nuance movements all pre-planned so they won't know so they can't see how i really feel so they can't take advantage of my vulnerabilities so they can't hurt me like i've been in the past a role meant to be played by yours truly without an intermission without a curtain call so far removed from reality that i eventually become my auditioned character a sempiternal staging
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maybe
it would be better if i just stopped breathing because then at least i can't be an inconvenience to you anymore i can feel it
coming descending like a wet blanket stifling all fire all warmth nothing but sopping fabric drenching my hair my clothes inciting shivers burying my eyes and burning behind the lids covering nose and mouth until no air can circulate until it's easier to stop fighting until it's easier to simply die i used to
wear the thin red lines like an accessory flashing them as if they were rubies in my skin something to show because they used to define me but now i cover the ghostly remnants faint and white because that's not who i am anymore the best accessories can be removed and put on at will they're no longer an accessory they're a burden *TRIGGER WARNING* \ a knife in my hand
a wrist in need of stitches my feet on a ledge a body in need of catching capsules in my palm a stomach in need of pumping unwanted ideations in every situation death is not my desire but they come anyway i used to brush them off play pretend as if they were normal but i've awoken to the fact that my own mind is my worst enemy a combination of unbalanced chemicals and reckless behavior birthing fatal solutions that beat against the inside of my skull until acted upon advocating for the thought to manifest into an eternal relief and boundless escape a reality that reflects the ideations they told me
not to write about them not to start it off with “they said they loved me but i say they don’t” so i won’t i’ll begin instead with: they said they wanted the best for me yet they tried to confine me to a box a mold of what they wanted me to be but i say i don’t fit in your template nor do i want to and i can’t be somewhere that tries to force me into a place i’m not this is goodbye i hope you treat the next unconventional personality better than you treated me you want me
to fake it pretend smile force interaction a model of happiness you think it will help me pull me from the sadness improvement by opposite but when they find me dead by my own hand in six months don’t ask why because you’ll know it was your fault the faking an overbearing reminder of what i don’t have a taunt of my lack of bliss and if you had just left me alone instead of forcing your unqualified uneducated opinion on me then i’d still be alive but no you had to impose a mask upon me driven by selfish ambition to give the impression that all is rainbows & joy just because you live with your head in the clouds doesn’t mean others don’t struggle so do everyone a favor and keep your mouth shut about things you know nothing of because while faking it may work for you it will be the end of me and i refuse to hurt myself just to satisfy your ego i thought
when the winter fled so would the sadness i believed when the chill dissolved so would the melancholy i hoped when the sun shone brightly the flowers bloomed and the animals awoke the depression would scurry away into hiding scared of the light and noise but that was all just wishful thinking no season can eradicate this burden from my mind and i wish i hadn't been naive enough to get my hopes up just to be crushed by reality *Trigger Warning*blood
blood on my hands blood in the sink drip drip drip falling with finality every word bubbling over with each drop "you're not pretty enough" "you're not skinny enough" "you should kill yourself" a warm viscous metallic reminder of the standards i can never meet everyone
has a light & a dark side you beckoned to see the latter i only showed you a sliver not the entire, complex corpus you wanted to see it yet it frightened you overwhelmed you concerned you don't act like you want to see if it'll actually blind you don't beg for transparency and be so quick to shy away at the horrors you find in the small glimpse welcome to my dark side it's part of me and you'll have to accept it in order to see and understand me as you seem to desire to because it's shaped me into who i am formed my strengths and weaknesses it's created me for the better and worse so again, welcome to my dark side look away if you can't handle it i had an episode last night
and i didn't know how to stop it everything came rushing out spilling onto the asphalt of the parking lot it's only been a month since the last one but it feels like a lifetime the only difference was that the last ended in blood and searing stitches this one ended in tears and a dull emotional ache i realized, last night, that i've never actually learned to cope with this leech called depression they told me to deep breathe to stop crying to focus on the positive they reminded me that depression is a liar the thing is, i know all the truths all the techniques all the tools i try to use them be proactive but all the mechanisms in the world can't fix something that's undyingly wrecked the dreamcatcher flutters
in the wind created by my fan "why don't you catch them" i ask "the nightmares?" it doesn't give a response taunting me ominous silence and foreboding filling my room because it's just an object it can't contain the demons crafted for my mind nothing can mirror
mirror on the wall who's the most insecure of all? is it the woman comparing herself to the ridiculous standards created by society? is it the man concealing anything that may label him as "effeminate"? is it the mother wondering if she's as good of a mom as the instagram standard? is it the father clinging to the hope that he can step up even though his own parent didn't? is it the child constantly questioning whether what she/he does is good enough for her/his parents? so i ask again mirror mirror on the wall who's the most insecure of all? "every single one of you" it answers "because you've allowed society and others to define you instead of merely existing as yourselves." you can't call yourself
tasteless when looking at someone else's flavor they're a different seasoning of their own making and until you stop trying to mimick their piquancy you're going to have the same taste as everyone else unoriginal and bland stop.
stop defining yourself by who your friends are or who you're in a relationship with or who you've had you are too valuable to let yourself be swallowed up by the reputations of others you are your own person rich in character personality and intrigue *TRIGGER WARNING* "why do you cut (yourself)?"
they always asked "i don't know" i always answered with a noncommittal shoulder shrug & a faraway gaze what i never said was i knew exactly why-- it was better to feel pain than nothing at all it was better to bleed than to live sensationless it was better to see the lines and know i was alive than exist as half a shadow of who i once was so i knew, but kept it a secret because i also understood that no one would comprehend it no one would relate so, i just stayed quiet and that was worse than any physical harm i caused myself *TRIGGER WARNING* you say
"welcome to the real world" as if i don't already live here as if my life has been composed of only roses and long walks on the beach but you don't know me-- what i've been through were you there the nights i sliced open my wrists? were you there when i almost took a whole bottle of sleeping pills? were you there when i would cry myself to sleep? wishing i could just be dead nothing but a blip in time that no one would remember you weren't so don't presume to know me don't condescendingly welcome me to this place as if i'm a naive child because i grew up in the real world survived in the real world thrived in the real world and i feel bad for you that you are unable to make the best of your situation see, i turned my reality around made my existence something to live for so don't say, "welcome to the real world" as if i'm new here i'm the queen of this place and you-- you're just getting started *TRIGGER WARNING* thin red lines
toxic but relieving a fatal escape |
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February 2022
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