i thought
you were better but you're just like him sometimes i still get panic attacks when i think about you
dread fills my chest and angst overcomes me sometimes i still have nightmares about you your incandescent blue eyes burning a hole in my mind that remains even after i wake sometimes i still feel helpless when i see you like it used to be, trapped, a prisoner to your words and your hands sometimes i die a little when paintings of you flash through my mind haunting me with memories of what once was and no longer can be sometimes i wish i never met you but then sometimes i imagine your singing to help me fall asleep your smooth, familiar tone the only soothing defense when insomnia attacks sometimes i wear the shirt you left over here because it makes me feel closer to you each fiber ingrained with impressions of your cologne sometimes i listen to music that i know you like the melody bringing a sweetness with the essence of you sometimes i think about you and the butterflies come back filling up my insides and suffocating me sometimes i love you all over again sometimes i always knew
you'd throw me away it was just a matter of time they exclusively
pursue me until they find someone else i am never someone’s constant but i am always someone’s temporary today
i realized something as i watched you from across the room you've never seen me. i don't know why i ever thought you did i'm like the "to-do" list you put on your fridge you glance at it once but forget about it as time goes on just another complacent factor that is trivial to you because today in that room all i saw was you while all you saw was everyone else and it took me back to the mindset of the girl who once loved you so so much but now now it's as crystal clear to me as i am to you: you've never seen me and you never will i hate you.
that is a certainty but you don't know this. even though you treated me like shit you'd never find blame in yourself so i pretend i pretend we're friends i smile i bring up former conversations i laugh but i don't mean any of it you wrecked me and i hate you for it down the road
up the neighborhood through the cul-de-sac parking a few houses down so no one will hear i sneak up the drive and slip into your bedroom door where you're waiting for me i once believed this was acceptable that you cared about me but i'm coming to terms with your lack of respect a 20 year-old woman behaving like a high-schooler immature hiding from your parents as if we aren't two consenting adults shrouding myself with the hours of 10 p.m. to 3 a.m. keeping completely silent so they won't hear you hid me under the bed and that was the last straw if you want to be with me it'll have to be outside of your bedroom the cul-de-sac the neighborhood and before 10 p.m. if not, then we're done but maybe that's the way it's supposed to be he didn't ask
just took he didn't wait just left he didn't love me just led me along like a dog on a leash eager for attention excited to be with him but getting nothing in return on the other hand you didn't take just asked you didn't leave just waited you didn't lead me on but loved me like someone who truly saw my worth and that made all the difference why can't i love the ones who love me?
it would be so much simpler if i wanted the nice innocent young man the one who would treat me like the queen of his kingdom like the sun at the center of his unvierse but it's too easy there's no challenge no pursuit why would i want someone who lies as a doormat obeying my every whim out of sheer adoration? without the chase it's merely a boring sport where the predictable end is my victory would you want to play a game if you already knew you'd win everytime? no the fun is in the performance in the act without it the reward is meaningless unearned why would i partake in a game if the prize isn't worth it? all the men in my life have tried to control me
so excuse me if i shy away from the idea of being bonded to you when you're a perfect carbon copy of them just waiting to immure me kind soul
caring personality made to listen selfless in action profound in thought you have it all depth to match the beauty brown curls
lean fit fair skin soft pink lips crystal blue eyes a true work of art a man
well-liked by everyone coveted by most girls "you're _________'s girlfriend, right?" they would ask with a smile and i would easily agree proud of who i'm with girls would count me lucky they'd vie for what i have but they'd fail because you'd be mine however, i don't think we'd last i don't think i fully comprehend the implications of getting involved with you which is why i don't think i want you; i just like the idea of you i'm a beacon
fiery vivid intense and you're a moth fragile curious ignorant drawn to me lured in by my rich colors and uncontrollable spirit closer and closer you come enticed by the flame i warn you of the danger didn't your parents tell you not to play with fire? but you don't listen intrigued by the orange red and yellow hues so nearer you advance the flames licking at your wings until you're consumed burned to a husk of the man you once were i warned you and yet you blame me i told you this would happen because fire while beautiful is still wild unpredictable and not meant to be played with but you didn't listen and that's no fault of mine green denim
flower pattern my best friend's borrowed t-shirt when you undid the strap you unwound a piece of me when you felt the fabric you touched a piece of my soul when you slid the hem up my thighs you pushed the thought of anyone else out what was once my favorite overall dress hangs unworn in my closet a constant reminder of that night in your car on the corner of Old Shell and Semmes painful to remember but wonderful to think about i get butterflies
when i see your face hear your name when i think of your lips on mine your fingertips on my skin but i wish the butterflies were dead because i don’t want to see your face hear your name reminisce on how your lips and tongue touched mine how your fingers stained me bruised me ruined me for anyone else but you i wish they were dead because i don’t want to want you i don’t want you to have power over me my emotions my thoughts my actions my life i want you to disappear the way a butterfly's wings crumble when it dies i want to touch the memories of you and have them fall to pieces dissipating before my eyes gone in an instant but that’s impossible because so much of you has crawled into me and sprouted wings beating against my insides pleading let me out let me out and i want to but i can’t i can’t let you out because i don’t know how i don’t know how to open up myself and release you because how can i release you when i can’t even free myself how can i free you when i’m locked inside prisoner to my own mind own heart how can i let you go when you’re all i’ve had not all i want but all i know so instead of letting those butterflies go i wish they were dead so then at least they can’t crawl into anyone else |
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February 2022
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